Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Playing the P-Card

So, there's some backstory to this that, unfortunately, must be waded through. Please, be patient.

Years ago, I ran into a guy who put on an awesome karaoke show. I'd never sung karaoke before, thinking it was the milieu of drunken idiots who didn't know any better. But this guy had Dead Kennedys, Frank Zappa, and Mudvayne in his catalog. It blew me away. Plus, he would play videos during his shows that were either hysterical comedy or super-cool lesser-known acts. In short, he worked very hard at being a great entertainer, not just a guy who droned into the mike, "Okay, up next is blah blah singing blah blah."

The fact that he was an unabashed AV geek just made him that much cooler in my view.

Then he got a girlfriend. I didn't know her before he started fucking her, but since I was a regular attendee at his shows, I kept seeing her. Eventually I started chatting with her, mostly to be social. As I got to know her better, I started to like her. She seemed like she was pretty smart, had a creative streak, and was generally a good person. In fact, for a bit, I found myself far more attracted to her than I wanted to be. She was someone else's girlfriend, and I don't do that homewrecker shit. I actually backed off for a while until I got my shit together and dealt with my feelings. Which I did.

So, very recently, the girlfriend posted one of those photo thingies you see on Facebook all the time. Something that's supposed to contain pithy wisdom or whatever, except that this thing was all about the fucking P-card.

If you don't know what the P-card is, think about the OJ Simpson trial, and how everyone decried Johnny Cochrane for "playing the race card." The "P" in "P-card" stands for pussy. It's the idea that women are better than men simply because they're women. It's bullshit. It's sexist, bigoted crap that society and the government has bought into, and it is responsible for my life being ruined.

The girlfriend used to tell me that I shouldn't be so down on myself, that she saw me as, in her words, an "attractive, intelligent man." More than once she told me this. I knew it wasn't an indication of any serious feelings on her part, but it made me think (actually believe) that she knew me, understood me, to whatever degree.

She knew I'd been abused by my ex-wife in the past. She knew the ex-bitch was preventing me from seeing my daughter, and there was nothing I could do about it.

So, she posts this thing on Facebook that says, basically, whatever you give a woman you'll receive tenfold. "Give a woman sperm and she'll give you a baby. Give a woman food and she'll give you a meal. So, don't give her any crap or you'll get a ton of shit." That kind of drivel.

See, I gave my wife sperm, and she took my baby away. I gave my wife food, and she demanded I cook the meal and serve it to her. While she spent every dime I made on useless crap we didn't need. And if I told her we needed to save money, I got "a ton of shit," which in reality meant things like a garden hose upside my head, resulting in a bleeding scalp wound. My ex is a reprehensible, worthless piece of shit who ruined me and my life, but she knew how to work the system and society to make everyone around her believe SHE was the victim of MY abuse. She played the P-card.

I worked. She didn't. She told me, at various points, the following: "Don't think; you only get yourself in trouble" and "Why don't you use your fucking brain?" I was a worthless, incompetent moron every time I made a mistake. If I tried to stand up for myself, she accused me of "verbally assaulting" her, which justified her physical violence against me. If I tried to physically respond, she accused me of "not liking what someone said" to me. I was fucked if I did and fucked if I didn't. It was domestic abuse, through and through, and because I'm male I have no resources for healing anywhere. I am ruined beyond repair thanks to that fucking cunt.

The girlfriend knew this (I thought). And STILL posted that horseshit about how great women are.

I wanted to call her and scream. I wanted to post a long rant in response to her post. Ultimately, I decided to just un-friend her and walk away.

The worst part is that I can't ever go to that karaoke show again, because she's always there. I thought about sending a message to the guy himself, asking him to let me know if he ever does a show his girlfriend won't be attending. Then I thought about his asking "why" and my explanation, which would undoubtedly lead to more conflict, more confrontation, and more drama. So I just threw my hands up and walked away.

She'll probably try to text me in a few weeks. She's done that in the past: "Just wanted to know if you're doing all right" kind of thing. At this point, I don't know how I'll respond. I'm torn between letting her know what she did and just ignoring her.

I feel betrayed, but I don't know if I should. I feel wounded, hurt, and most of all WRONG. I was so wrong about this person, it makes me feel like a fucking idiot. And that brings up all the shit my ex hammered into my head over the course of sixteen years. Everything gets mixed up and complicated, and all I ever wanted to do was sing karaoke.

No comments:

Post a Comment