Nature Finds a Way

There's a local business a mile or two away from where I live that I patronize occasionally. I happen to love their business model, and they provide a service much needed by guys like me. The place describes itself as a self-serve porn studio. By any other name, it's a brothel.

So, think about this. It is illegal in every state in the U.S., except Nevada outside of Las Vegas, to pay someone to have sex with you. Given my own gender and the fact that the overwhelming majority of both prostitutes and porn stars are female, I'm going to drop any pretense of gender neutrality for the rest of this post. Just realize that, yes, I know men do these things too.

Anyway, back to the point. You can't pay a woman to have sex with you. You can, however, pay a woman to have sex with someone else, as long as you take pictures or videotape it. (It makes me smile that, in this digital age, we still use "tape" as a verb. I guess "videoflashmemory" doesn't have the same ring.) So, none of the men in porn are "johns," they're actors or models. The women aren't whores, they're also actors or models. If a producer gives a woman money to have sex with me, it's not prostitution. Are we clear on the distinction? If you give money to the woman, it's a crime. If you give money to someone else, it's porn.

Enter the self-serve porn studio. You enter the establishment and are greeted by a friendly woman (always a woman) who has you initial two documents. One is a statement that you're over eighteen. The other is a "contract" that makes you a one-time producer of porn. You then show your cock to the woman, who gingerly inspects it with gloved hands to make sure everything looks healthy. Then you meet the girls.

I am of the opinion that the cock inspection is more of a safety net than an actual health screening. It is a known fact in these kinds of circles that a cop can't engage in illegal (sexual) activities with the subject of their investigation; doing so makes any evidence they collect inadmissible in court. This is exactly what happened elsewhere in town years ago; many massage parlors got busted after a long, undercover operation, but when it was revealed that the cops doing the investigating were getting hand and blow jobs from the women, all the cases were thrown out. Showing your cock is considered over the line, a sexual act that taints evidence.

The girls "choose" a "studio" with a pre-determined time-limit and price. One half hour for $120 to $160. You give the cash to the friendly cock-handler and go with your girl to your studio. Said studio is a room with a bed, a photographys studio light fitted with a diffuser, and a digital camera on a tripod. The girl strips naked and lays on the bed. You take some pictures of her while she fingers herself. After about eight snaps, you're done, and the sex begins. A timer goes off after half an hour, and bob's your uncle.

Make no mistake: the people who run this place know what's up. You don't just walk in; you have to call ahead and tell them you're on your way. Once outside, you call them again and they unlock the door to escort you inside. When you're done, the girl calls the friendly cock-handler to escort you back to the door, which she locks behind you. You never get copies of the pictures. No video is ever shot. The pictures are never sold or displayed on a web site. This is a gray-market business, carefully weaving through the legal maze of anti-prostitution and pornographic artistic expression laws. It's fucking brilliant (ahem).

Is there a point here beyond my describing how I can finally get laid again? Why, yes, there is. The point is that there are some simple facts about human nature that will always be true, no matter how many laws we pass against them. One of them is that people like to fuck. Men, especially, like to fuck so much that they're willing to pay a woman to fuck them. And there will always be women who are willing to accept payment to fuck a man. That's never going to change, no matter how harsh the legal penalties for doing so. The same holds true for drug use. And eating unhealthy food. And homosexuality. And abortions. This is who we are as homo sapiens.

Quit wasting our time with useless, irrelevant laws that only consume taxpayer dollars. Quit busting the whores and potheads; start busting the financial regulators, the fuckers who do real harm to people.

I love that self-serve porn studio, and I'm not ashamed to say so. I love that it's so close to my house. I love that it's technically legal. I love that I can get laid anytime I want (except Sunday; even whores gotta got to church, I guess) without worrying about the social interactions that a suck so badly at. I love that all the girls are fairly cute, and at least two of them are significantly to heavily tattooed. I love that someone was clever and creative enough to come up with the idea and implement it with such grace and style.

There's apparently a second location somewhere in town, but they don't have enough girls to staff it. Any ladies need a job?
UPDATE 6/21/2013: The studio has been busted for prostitution. Nine people arrested: seven model/actresses, the friendly cock-handler, and the owner. A female undercover cop applied for a job there; that's how they got around the "no showing cock" limitation. I'll either keep updating this post or make a new one if developments warrant it.