Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I Am A Misogynist

Someone defined "misogyny" to me as "hatred or mistrust of women."

That word "mistrust" got to me. Because I don't trust women. Well, I don't trust anybody when I first meet them; time must pass for me to relax my defenses and build trust. However, it's much easier for me to develop trust with a man than with a woman. Which makes me more mistrustful of women than men. Which makes me a misogynist.

Frankly, I'll wear the badge with pride. Because it's true. And I have good goddamn reasons for not trusting women.

My mother was emotionally abusive, withholding affection, and overly controlling. I was born with infinite trust in her affection for me, and I was told flat-out, to my face, that I was her "obligation."

My ex-wife was emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive for the span of our 16-year relationship. I busted my ass to make her happy, to do everything she wanted me to do, and I ended up getting my ass beat for not being good enough. She ended up getting everything in the divorce, including my daughter, whom the ex is preventing me from seeing, even though I have rights. And I'm financially supporting her with alimony.

A female tattoo artist was doing work on my arms. We would talk during breaks, and I began to like her. I drove two hours away so she could work on me at home. There was definitely a mutual attraction between us. After one session, I kissed her (not on the cheek). She kissed me back and squeezed me tight. Two weeks later, she sent me a text that basically said she'd been spending time with this other guy for a while and was going to start dating him.

An old girlfriend once told me that, were her ex-boyfriend ever to say he wanted to get back together, she would dump me in a heartbeat.

Another old girlfriend was a recovering catholic who found out one of her high school classmates got pregnant (this was freshman year of college). It freaked her out so much, she refused to have sex with me anymore, and we broke up.

A third old girlfriend (I've had four total in my life; one is my ex) surreptitiously quit taking her birth control pills and got pregnant. I ended up paying for an abortion.

In almost 45 years, no woman has failed to betray my trust. They always proved themselves to be as selfish, self-serving, and self-interested as every other shaven ape crawling across the face of the earth.

I always went into relationships with my heart wide open. Some called me naïve. I called myself romantic. I was only going by what I was taught by all the Romantic Poets and Shakespeare that I'd read throughout school. In later years I was a bit more cautious about opening my heart, but it really didn't take that much to do it. I was much less guarded.

And the common response I get is along the lines of, "Not all women are like that. You've just had bad experiences." I never said all women are like that. I said that I don't trust them; I must spend time and effort to get to know them very, very well before I will trust them. It's a caution borne of experience and unbelievable suffering.

Fuck yeah, I'm a misogynist. Women are pretty much guilty until proven innocent to me. Which is not to say that I won't or can't trust women. I just don't dole it out automatically anymore; you gotta earn it. That's right, it's not a privilege, not an entitlement, not something you deserve just because you have a pussy.

And saying that means that I'm probably never going to be in a relationship again. At this point in my life, the women who would deserve and could earn my trust are already in relationships. No single woman these days is going to exert effort to be with me; they'd rather get the douchebag in the Tapout shirt to buy them drinks and give them stuff.

If being alone until I die is the price I must pay to prevent another occurrence of the searing emotional pain that has already scarred and gnarled me beyond recognition, so be it. It's the lesser evil that I choose. I don't like it, but the alternative is unbearable.

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